Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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