I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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