she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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