No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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