I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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