is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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