Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
