soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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