My liver just broke up with me...
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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