I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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