Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
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The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
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I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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