I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
