Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
