its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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