Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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