We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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