Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
