Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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