i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
