i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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