Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
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