I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
