you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
