He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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