I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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