So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
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