before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize
