ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
you made out with another girl for some wings
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Randomize
