But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Randomize
