Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
