I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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