i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
Randomize
