how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
