After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
