1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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