Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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