I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
Here’s Everything Coming To Netflix This July
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
19 Of The Creepiest (Most Inexplicable) Things People Experienced
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.