i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
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Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
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Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.