pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
