and you said cock pushups were impossible
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
