I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
