apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
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Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
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40s are totally the cure
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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