I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
