she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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