For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
I still have a little drunk in my system
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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