eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
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