Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
