He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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