i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
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