i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
