I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
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