he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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