I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
