All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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