Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
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