So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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