Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
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