You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
